Writing related emo bullshit
I've completely lost my ability to write, largely owing to losing the best line I've had in RP (in a way that really bothers me, because I knew a PSL was going to die like they always do, but I was assured we had so much planned that wouldn't happen). This has, to be honest sort of devastated me, it had been my writing partner's favourite line we had so many ideas, so many AUs because they were so utterly perfect together (in an interesting and extremely messed up way) they worked in any scenario. As a result of all these AUs every line or plot I think or to want to write myself just reminds me of them and it hurts. The worse thing is I blame myself because I left the game they were in owing to a number of reasons which basically made the game into a form of self-harm or mental torture for me, but I feel like if I stayed the line might not have ended. And the worse thing is I'd have stayed for that line. I really would.
So now I have a totally broken muse in my head, 30,000+ words of fic relating to them that I can't even bear to touch right now and nothing is the least bit inspiring to me. There don't seem to be any interesting RPGs around any more or if there are I can't get lines, and it's so difficult to get organic lines (another thing I loved about this line, it came from nowhere there was just this unmistakable spark), no one PBs the people I'd like to write against, every uses the same over used teen American faces and I just have no interest in any of that.
And then of course there's the knowledge that even if I do somehow find a line it'll probably end and I'll left with another muse that becomes unwriteable. So it really feels like what's the point?
Trying to write alone isn't working either. Any ideas I have just don't work, like I just cannot write anything when it comes down to it - I need someone to write against, I'm rubbish at writing alone, I just can't find the plots to make things interesting and it's just not the same. I like writing with people, but it's just too difficult.
To make matters worse my hours at work have been cut meaning I now have loads of time, and absolutely nothing to do and it's really getting to me. I need to write, I just can't.